When I speak to parent groups, I always get their attention when I tell them I can provide a technique to eliminate 100% of their arguments with their kids. That's right, 100% of them!!! The parents look at me incredulously so I always have to remind the group that: 1. I have not lost my mind. and 2. I actually raised two daughters of my own.
So at this point, I really have their attention and they are really interested. I then extend the message by asking the group of parents, "Are you sure you really want the arguments to stop?" and "Are you willing to do something really really simple to make the arguments stop?" Universally, I get the answer "YES!" to those two questions.
None of us likes the arguments we have with our kids (particularly teens) but there are times in our parenting journey when it seems like the only conversations we have with our kids are harsh words and arguments.
Well, I really have the technique to stopping all of them and it is only two words - but you have to really want to stop the arguments...... You have to be willing to follow the wisdom of two simple words.
Those two words? Shut Up. Really, just shut up and the argument will be over. No fuel will be added to the fire and the sparks will fizzle and go out. But you really have to shut up. Totally. Be quiet. No more words.
There are certainly issues in parenting that we cannot shut up about - there are definitely battles worth fighting. We will fight tirelessly to guard our kids from destructive, dangerous or defiant behavior. We will fight to defend our family core values and beliefs. But other than those two areas, most arguments are simply a matter of wanting to have the last word or wanting to take/keep control of our kid's decisions. Not only are those battles that are probably not worth fighting about, we can never win! We are not going to come to closure or agreement on any discussion when our objective is to have the last word or to have our son or daughter (particularly teens) let us make a decision for them.
We parents need to remember that the same mouth that speaks words of love, support and encouragement is used for harsh and insulting and demeaning and belittling and angry words. That can be very confusing to our kids. If they don't know what kind of words are going to come from our mouths, they will be reluctant to voice their opinions or ask questions. Even when we have a disagreement with our kids, we do not want to attack and destroy. We want to teach and explain - we want to build our kids up, not tear them down - that is our God given job. As James writes in today's Love One Another series from Steve Noble, "Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers, this should not be."
Most of us learned when we were young to count to ten before we responded to something that upset or angered us. What a great suggestion for parents. It is so easy to say to your child, "I am not ready to talk about this with you right now. I want to make sure I have a chance to calm down and think about it for a little while. Let's talk about it in an hour." (Make sure you follow through!)
Words have such immense power. Words can build nations or start wars. Words can heal the most painful wounds or cause unspeakable damage. When we speak, we need our words to build our children up, to help prepare them for adulthood and to bring glory to God. Generally, when our words are harsh or angry or prideful, the opposite is accomplished.
I love 1 Corinthians 13 as a guide to parents on how to show love. I love just as much Galatians 5:22-23 as a quide to parents on what personal qualities to model to their kids: "But the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law."
Those are nine wonderful qualities for us to instill in our kids BUT they are also qualities that our kids look for in their parents. Character is caught, not taught. We are constantly shaping and training our sons and daughters by our own actions and words. "Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers, this should not be."
Have a blessed week!
Scott
Love One Another (Day 49) > > > Big Mouth
James 3:9-10
With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God’s likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers, this should not be.
The third chapter of James is one of the most convicting chapters in the entire Bible because it deals with “the tongue,” which it describes as “fire,” and “poison,” and a “world of evil.” One minute we are praising God and encouraging one another and the next we are hurling insults and using bad words. Indeed, your mouth can provide the spark that lights an entire forest on fire in your relationships.
I often tell my kids - and anyone else who will listen - that the more we speak, the more we sin (Proverbs 10:19). Additionally, I tell them that sometimes, the most Christ-like thing we can do is to just shut up. I don’t think most of us realize just how powerful our words can be, and so we don’t treat them with the care they require. If I handed you a glass filled with a dangerous chemical, odds are good that you would carry it with great care, right? We need to think of our tongues in the same manner.
APPLICATION: Think of some words that really hurt your feelings and share them as a group. Don’t take this as an opportunity to point your fingers at each other, but simply to realize how powerful a few little words can be. Pray and ask the Lord to forgive you for your careless use of words and to help you take control of your mouth for the glory of God and for the good of your family.
No comments:
Post a Comment